This Too Shall Pass

My sweet Grandma Helen, whenever you were really down-in-the-dumps about something, would gently take both of your hands and say "this too shall pass".  As much as that could be pushed off as trite, especially if you are really upset, Grandma Helen was right.  No matter how terrible something seems in the moment, it will ultimately pass and the pain and discomfort from said "something" will eventually fade.  This is something that I try to convince my kids all the time - that no matter how tough things seem or how hollow my words may sound in that moment - their present situation will soon be the past and they will find a way to move through it.  However, no matter how many times I have repeated Grandma's words and witnessed the passing of the pain, there are still situations where even I doubt the validity of my words.

Case in point - Becky*.  Becky is 15yrs old and full of fire.  She can dish out attitude and sarcasm like (almost) no one else I know.  She has ridden through the last few years with her guns blazing but recently her unquenchable fire has been greatly dimmed.  I think the last two and a half years of heartache, disappointment and tragedy have finally caught up with her.

I first met Becky in the fall of 2009 when I was still working for DFCS.  Initially I was her case worker but our relationship would last long after my place in that role was through.  It had been a long November and I had already been assigned 13 new cases that week when Becky and her sister came across my desk.  I tried hard to convince my supervisor to assign them to someone else but she wouldn't and so I grudgingly took on the girls' case.  At that time Becky was 12 and her sister Michelle* was 15 and they were placed in a group home because of their age (hardly any foster homes will take teenagers).  Their mother had passed away years ago and their dad was at that time unconscious in the ICU after an apparent failed suicide attempt.  My initial assessment of the family uncovered a pretty sad story - all grandparents were deceased, father's only living relative was his elderly brother and mother's three sisters were all estranged and had no interest in helping with the girls.  There were a handful of neighbors and friends interested in helping but none with sufficient financial means or health to take the girls in.  So, in the group home they stayed.

Eventually their dad, Stan*, came out of his coma and was discharged from the hospital.  I learned that the reason he had attempted suicide was because of a poor reaction between two medications that he was taking as well as the stress that had come about from his poor health.  Six months before, in May 2009, Stan had gone in for a long-overdue quadruple bypass of the heart.  The procedure did not go well and so instead of being able to return to work, where he easily made six figures a year, Stan had to take up residence on his couch.  Life as the family knew it started to slip away and before they knew it, the family was financially destitute.  It also soon became clear that Stan's health would never return to the point where he could care for his children again so other means had to be sought.

As I delved into the family history I discovered that Michelle, Becky's older sister, had actually been adopted by Stan and his late wife and that it was an adoption within the family.  I was therefore able to trace back and locate Michelle's paternal grandmother who lived out of state and who was willing to take Michelle in.  However, she did not have the means to take Becky as well, and since Becky was not her blood relative, DFCS forced me to separate the siblings.  Not wanting to leave Becky alone with no options I searched hard until I found a family that was willing to take Becky in.  It seemed perfect - they had three other girls, they had a nice home and they were understanding of Becky's relationship with her dad and were willing to adopt Stan into their family as well.  Upon finishing the school year, Becky went to live with this foster family in May 2010.

Things went fairly well for a time and eventually the family that took Becky in, the Smiths, agreed to take guardianship of her in June 2011.  Stan was thankful for this because he knew he could never provide for Becky as a caregiver and he liked the Smiths very much.  What should have been a great summer however, was stopped short in July.  Stan, on top of his diagnosis' of heart failure and COPD (a severe lung disease), was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer and given only months to live.  My little spitfire Becky tried to act like the news of her father's serious diagnosis did not bother her but I knew that it did.  As the summer wore on Becky started to become more depressed and eventually we discovered that she had begun self-mutilating or "cutting".  In October 2011 Becky ended up being placed in a psychiatric crisis stabilization program at a mental health hospital for about a week.  It seemed as if my spitfire's flames had finally turned inside on her and started to burn her until she just couldn't take it anymore.  However, the hospitalization seemed to do her some good and she was discharged before Halloween.  Stan was concerned about her but seemed convinced that she had gotten the help she needed at the hospital. 

Since Stan had opted to undergo chemotherapy - not as a cure but to buy him some time - we all thought that we still had a number of months left with him.  However, this ended up not being the case.  Exactly a week before Thanksgiving on a rainy Thursday evening, Stan passed away at home - no warning, no goodbyes.  By the time I got up to see my Becky that evening she firmly stated that she had cried enough already and the flames leapt from her eyes, challenging anyone to try to make her "feel" anything more.  Oh my Becky, my flame thrower, my spitfire.  Through the funeral and the following weeks Becky refused to express much.  That is, however, until the night that the Smith's discovered that Becky had carved "Daddy" into her arm with a razor blade.  Back into the hospital went Becky, for a week and a half long stay this time.  Going to see her in that place was one of the worst experiences of my life - I can't imagine what it was like to live there. 

Becky eventually got out of the hospital and we all somehow managed to get through Christmas.  Things had not been going well at the Smith's home for a couple of months at that point, their biological daughter had had some problems and Becky's problems stacked on top of those were wearing the family thin.  I tried to help stabilize the situation and support them but by the time Becky came to spent New Years weekend with me, she knew the game was up and started begging me to let her live with me.  I put her off saying that I still hoped that things with the Smiths could be repaired but only two months later, the Smiths filed paperwork to dissolve their guardianship of Becky.  Since there still were no viable friends or family to take her, this meant that Becky would enter back into foster care again.  In March 2012 Becky once again became a ward of the state - but this time she was truly an orphan. 

And that brings us to present day.  My co-workers and I were able to find a foster home within our agency to take Becky in.  However, because of all of the loss and abandonment that she has experienced in these last few years Becky is unable and unwilling to develop a relationship with this new family and once again her placement situation is on the rocks.  I have committed to her to spend at least one evening if not a whole Saturday every week with her, pouring into her, reminding her that I still love her and that I am still here.  Our time with one another is generally great - she really is an amazing kid - as long as you can walk through the flames first!  However, my Becky is so often depressed these days that she can no longer hide it under her bravado and wit.  She often becomes sullen, even when we are spending time together, and has admitted to me that she has no hope for the future.

Becky explains to me that ever since 2009 her life has been "crap" and that she just doesn't see it getting any better.  She reminds me that she has lost her home, her school, her friends, her only sister (who now lives out of state), her father has passed, the family that was supposed to be her "new" family has abandoned her and "kicked her out", she has no family left and therefore, she has precious little interest in knowing what the future holds.  I guess I can't blame her.  Since 2009 all the "future" has held was more heartache and loss - and it just doesn't seem to stop.  And so when I say to her, "you know Becky, this too shall pass" I feel like a right old fraud.  How can I stand there and convince her that things will get better when I'm feeling fresh out of hope as well?

But then I remember something.  Becky is only 15yrs old and, for all intensive purposes, should have quite a few years ahead of her still.  She is a bright girl - she definitely has a spirited streak - and despite all of the tragedy and turmoil, she still has a good heart.  So why shouldn't I have hope?  Just because I don't know where she will go next (I'm out of good options for placement) and no matter how much I pour into her these days it seems like it is never enough to lift her from her dark place - well that doesn't mean that today's reality is forever.  I have seen enough and I still have faith enough to believe that eventually Becky and I will come out of this hell together.  One day we will look back on this time that we have walked through and shake our heads in amazement that we ever survived. 

You know, as a case manager and social worker, you aren't supposed to get too attached to your clients.  And even though I'm passionate, I am usually pretty good at cutting things off when I need to.  However, with Becky and her dad Stan it has been different.  Maybe it was because they really had no one else.  Maybe it was because I just liked them.  I don't know why really.  What I do know is that Becky is now family to me and as long as I draw breath I will try to be family to her.  In a later post I will tell you the story of Stan and my friendship with him and maybe it will all make more sense.  In the meantime I encourage you to remember this - no matter how dire, how desperate, how hopeless a situation seems - it will always pass.  And with the dawn of a new day comes a promise for the potential for things to change for the better for the most deserving - these kids I am blessed to serve, these hearts with faces.