I'll Miss You Too Much

Jared* is 8yrs old.  He and his four siblings (Charlie 12yrs, Annie 6yrs, Jacob 4yrs, Peter 6mo*) came into foster care about two and a half months ago.  They came into care because their mom struggles with alcohol, there is a history of domestic violence and their apartment was so filthy that it made the news.  Unfortunately there are not very many foster homes who can accept such a large sibling group so Jared and his siblings were spread out to two homes - Charlie, Jared and Annie in one and Jacob and Peter in the other.  Initially Jared and his siblings, especially older brother Charlie, had a really hard time entering a home with structure and rules.  Jared has shared with me several times that he and Charlie were always allowed to be out in the streets as late as they wished and that frequently their mom would send Jared to the store to buy food for the other children.  At 8yrs old, Jared was used to being treated like a miniature adult so being treated like a child was a difficult leap for him.  To date Jared's favorite question is still "but why?" and he loves to try to negotiate and argue with me when he doesn't like what I have to say.

Despite having a tough start in the foster home, the last few months have revealed a tangible change in Jared.  He is slowly learning how to be a child.  He is learning that it is okay to cry about things and admit when you are scared.  He is learning that it is okay to let others take care of you and your siblings - that he can trust adults to do what adults should do for children.  Some days you can almost see the layers of worry, mistrust, anger and fear melting off of his small shoulders.  I credit 98% of this amazing change to his foster parents, especially his foster mother Joann*.  Joann is a soft-spoken, reserved and sweet-natured woman - the kind that you just want to hug most of the time.  And I have to admit - at first I was a little nervous that Joann wouldn't be up to the task of corralling kids like Jared and Charlie.  Usually we would put kids like Jared and Charlie with a person who has a firm, no-nonsense, take-charge kind of attitude just so we'd know that the caregivers could keep these rambunctious and strong-willed kids in line.  If she were to be honest, Joann would probably tell you she wasn't always sure she was up to the task either.  However, to all of our surprise the match up is working - at least for Jared.   There is something about Joann's slow and steady way that balances out Jared's wildly tilting one.  And I think that somehow the immense amount of calm that exudes from Joann somehow functions like water to the blazing wildfire that often engulfs Jared.  In Joann Jared has found a safe harbor.  He's found what every little boy should find in his mother - a home base to return to when life - or he - gets out of control. 

Jared and his siblings are fortunate because it looks like they will be placed with a relative in the near future.  This is an answered prayer for them - being with family is the next best thing to being able to go back to you parents.  When we were discussing the transition at our last family visitation however, Jared had an unexpected response.  After initially being excited that I finally had an answer to his persistent "when will I go" Jared then became withdrawn and soon began to cry.  He went over to where his foster mother Joann sat waiting for the visit to end and pulled himself up into a ball on the chair next to her.  I went over to Jared and asked him what was going on, why he was so sad all of a sudden.  He explained to me that he did want to go with his aunt but "only for maybe two months" and then he wanted to return back to his foster home.  Joann asked him why he wanted this and he replied simply to her "because I'll miss you too much."

In the last 10 weeks of this 8yr old boy's life he has found himself a mother - a true mother - who cares for him and makes him feel safe.  A mother who has been a perfect balance to his needs and who has done her best to make him feel special and loved.  And even though it has been only 10 weeks, it has been 10 weeks of finally feeling safe, loved, supported and cared for.  For Jared this is nothing short of a prayer come true.  And he loves his Joann or as he calls her "Jo-Mama".  Even though it is sad that Jared's time with his Jo-Mama is coming to a close, it is a great victory that he has been able to have this kind of experience with a caring adult.  Hopefully this experience can continue on when he enters the care of his aunt and his aunt can receive a little boy who is no longer a little man.  Jo-Mama did the heavy lifting for this aunt and patiently helped Jared heal - through the tantrums, tears, fights and stony stares - Joann endured and now Jared can re-enter "normal life" as a child who knows how to be a child and who is ready for his aunt to assume the role of mother and protector.

I have always had a great amount of respect for mothers.  However, in doing what I do I have come to respect even more the women who are mothers to someone else's child.  They are the gladiators of all warriors, the superheros among mighty protectors.  To Joann and all of the foster mothers out there who are serving this band of hurt and needing children - I send you the biggest "Thank You" my heart can muster.  You ladies are my everyday heroes and I hope that your strength inspires others to join you in this amazing service.



*names have been changed to protect the privacy of the children and foster parents