The story I'm going to share with you this evening is not the type of story that I planned on sharing as my second post. I had planned on sharing a touching story about one of my kids that would hook folks in and build interest. However, as I sit here on this 7th evening of National Foster Care Month, it is on my heart to share you a different story.
I spent a large part of this evening supervising a visit between three of my kids and their birth mom "Kelly". I have been on this case for well over a year and during that time I have been frustrated time and again by Kelly's serious lack of effort/progress in completing her case plan. We're not talking a difficult task list - we're talking things like stable housing, stable employment (yep, $10/hr at Molly Maids would be fine), participate in a psychological evaluation and participate in 12 free parenting classes. And Kelly has done nothing - not even the free parenting classes. Meanwhile her kids have worked really hard and made tremendous progress. When they entered care two of the kids were significantly overweight - like 196lbs at 5ft tall and 11yrs old. And in the 4th grade one of them was barely reading on a 2nd grade level. But over the last year they have learned to eat healthy and be active, lost 40-60 pounds apiece and my now-5th grader is transitioning out of reading support. Not to mention the emotional issues that they have faced and grappled with. These amazing, beautiful, funny and caring children have worked so hard to change their course and meanwhile, Kelly has done nothing to prove to the court that she can care for them - that she wants to care for them.
"There, but by the grace of God, go I." - attributed to John Bradford
It is really easy to be angry at Kelly. To be frustrated. Disgusted. Self-righteous. Yep, I own that last one. And I can own that now but it is only because I have come to understand something. A little while ago Kelly finally shared with me a little bit about her own history. She was raised in an unstable situation, likely abused and definitely neglected, until her grandmother took her in and did the best she could to bring her up. And tonight, I got another glimpse into her world. Kelly is currently without a car so she had to catch a ride with her friend - we'll call her friend Joann. While Kelly was off ordering food for the kids (with borrowed money of course) Joann shared with me that she has been trying to help Kelly get on her feet. We chatted a bit and Joann admitted that Kelly was aware that, because of her lack of progress, that she was going to have her parental rights terminated*. Joann continued to share with me that she herself was unemployed, except for some babysitting, but that she was doing her best to take care of her kids. She also shared that she had another friend who's parental rights were terminated. The longer I spoke with Joann the more I realized that for her, and for Kelly, knowing people who have DFCS** cases or who have lost their children to termination is as common as one my friends knowing someone who studied abroad or took piano lessons as a child.
I spent a good bit of the visit considering Joann's words. Considering how, for her and Kelly, being caught up in the system is just another part of life. Before I go on please understand - I am not trying to make excuses for the choices that Kelly and others like her have made. However, I am starting to understand a little bit more exactly what it is that needs to be done with our birth parents - or for them. The cycle of poverty, neglect and harm doesn't just need to stop within the kids we serve but we must also radically change the lives of the birth families if we want to hope for any success. And let's be honest, while it's nice to talk about stable housing and free parenting classes - that's not exactly a radical intervention. What I am beginning to believe these birth parents need - or most of them anyway - is someone who will be dedicated to them, who will invest in them as much as our foster parents invest in the children, with the hope and faith that they can chose positive change. It is easy to have compassion on children - they are often helpless and usually blameless. It is much harder to have compassion on adults - especially if we perceive that they have perhaps "made their own bed." But it is necessary. And not just for the sake of the children. Also for the sake of these parents who often do not know any other life than the one they find themselves living - these parents who are also our neighbors, our brothers and sisters and who are - for better or worse - the people that these children I serve call Mommy and Daddy.
I think this post does indeed belong in the beginning. Mostly because I know that it will be easy as time goes on, as you hear the stories of the various foster children I am blessed to serve, to become angry with the adults that we perceive to have failed them. Sometimes this anger and outrage will be just. But other times we might want to remind ourselves - I have to all the time - that instead of anger that compassion might be a better response.
Many of you pray for our foster children and often their foster parents as well - and I thank you. But I would like to be so bold as to also ask that you pray for their birth families. That God gives them strength to either work hard to get their children back (and keep them) or the strength to realize that perhaps someone else is better suited to raise their sons and daughters. That God gives them the strength to say "yes" to the opportunity to make the necessary changes and that when they say "yes" that there are people there standing at the ready to step in and "foster" these parents as lovingly and with the same dedication that our foster parents foster their children.
Thank you to all who have been supportive thus far, I look forward to continuing to share with you.
Until every face is known...
*Termination of parental rights: the juvenile court system reserves the right to terminate the parental rights of birth parents who are deemed to be unfit to care for their children. This is the most severe outcome possible in the juvenile court system - likened to the "death penalty" of juvenile court. If rights are terminated the birth parent loses all legal right to their child. If their child is adopted a new birth certificate is generated and the way it reads it appears that the adoptive parents are indeed the birth parents - the birth parents names are erased completely. The children have no implicit right to inherit from their birth parent nor exercise any familial right. They are also no longer legally related to any of their extended birth family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. The only tie that is retained is that between siblings.
**DFCS: Department of Family and Children Services - the name of the government agency in the state of Georgia that is responsible for the welfare of children and adolescents. Often pronounced "dee-fax". Sometimes written as "DFACS".
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