My sweet Grandma Helen, whenever you were really down-in-the-dumps about something, would gently take both of your hands and say "this too shall pass". As much as that could be pushed off as trite, especially if you are really upset, Grandma Helen was right. No matter how terrible something seems in the moment, it will ultimately pass and the pain and discomfort from said "something" will eventually fade. This is something that I try to convince my kids all the time - that no matter how tough things seem or how hollow my words may sound in that moment - their present situation will soon be the past and they will find a way to move through it. However, no matter how many times I have repeated Grandma's words and witnessed the passing of the pain, there are still situations where even I doubt the validity of my words.
Case in point - Becky*. Becky is 15yrs old and full of fire. She can dish out attitude and sarcasm like (almost) no one else I know. She has ridden through the last few years with her guns blazing but recently her unquenchable fire has been greatly dimmed. I think the last two and a half years of heartache, disappointment and tragedy have finally caught up with her.
I first met Becky in the fall of 2009 when I was still working for DFCS. Initially I was her case worker but our relationship would last long after my place in that role was through. It had been a long November and I had already been assigned 13 new cases that week when Becky and her sister came across my desk. I tried hard to convince my supervisor to assign them to someone else but she wouldn't and so I grudgingly took on the girls' case. At that time Becky was 12 and her sister Michelle* was 15 and they were placed in a group home because of their age (hardly any foster homes will take teenagers). Their mother had passed away years ago and their dad was at that time unconscious in the ICU after an apparent failed suicide attempt. My initial assessment of the family uncovered a pretty sad story - all grandparents were deceased, father's only living relative was his elderly brother and mother's three sisters were all estranged and had no interest in helping with the girls. There were a handful of neighbors and friends interested in helping but none with sufficient financial means or health to take the girls in. So, in the group home they stayed.
Eventually their dad, Stan*, came out of his coma and was discharged from the hospital. I learned that the reason he had attempted suicide was because of a poor reaction between two medications that he was taking as well as the stress that had come about from his poor health. Six months before, in May 2009, Stan had gone in for a long-overdue quadruple bypass of the heart. The procedure did not go well and so instead of being able to return to work, where he easily made six figures a year, Stan had to take up residence on his couch. Life as the family knew it started to slip away and before they knew it, the family was financially destitute. It also soon became clear that Stan's health would never return to the point where he could care for his children again so other means had to be sought.
As I delved into the family history I discovered that Michelle, Becky's older sister, had actually been adopted by Stan and his late wife and that it was an adoption within the family. I was therefore able to trace back and locate Michelle's paternal grandmother who lived out of state and who was willing to take Michelle in. However, she did not have the means to take Becky as well, and since Becky was not her blood relative, DFCS forced me to separate the siblings. Not wanting to leave Becky alone with no options I searched hard until I found a family that was willing to take Becky in. It seemed perfect - they had three other girls, they had a nice home and they were understanding of Becky's relationship with her dad and were willing to adopt Stan into their family as well. Upon finishing the school year, Becky went to live with this foster family in May 2010.
Things went fairly well for a time and eventually the family that took Becky in, the Smiths, agreed to take guardianship of her in June 2011. Stan was thankful for this because he knew he could never provide for Becky as a caregiver and he liked the Smiths very much. What should have been a great summer however, was stopped short in July. Stan, on top of his diagnosis' of heart failure and COPD (a severe lung disease), was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer and given only months to live. My little spitfire Becky tried to act like the news of her father's serious diagnosis did not bother her but I knew that it did. As the summer wore on Becky started to become more depressed and eventually we discovered that she had begun self-mutilating or "cutting". In October 2011 Becky ended up being placed in a psychiatric crisis stabilization program at a mental health hospital for about a week. It seemed as if my spitfire's flames had finally turned inside on her and started to burn her until she just couldn't take it anymore. However, the hospitalization seemed to do her some good and she was discharged before Halloween. Stan was concerned about her but seemed convinced that she had gotten the help she needed at the hospital.
Since Stan had opted to undergo chemotherapy - not as a cure but to buy him some time - we all thought that we still had a number of months left with him. However, this ended up not being the case. Exactly a week before Thanksgiving on a rainy Thursday evening, Stan passed away at home - no warning, no goodbyes. By the time I got up to see my Becky that evening she firmly stated that she had cried enough already and the flames leapt from her eyes, challenging anyone to try to make her "feel" anything more. Oh my Becky, my flame thrower, my spitfire. Through the funeral and the following weeks Becky refused to express much. That is, however, until the night that the Smith's discovered that Becky had carved "Daddy" into her arm with a razor blade. Back into the hospital went Becky, for a week and a half long stay this time. Going to see her in that place was one of the worst experiences of my life - I can't imagine what it was like to live there.
Becky eventually got out of the hospital and we all somehow managed to get through Christmas. Things had not been going well at the Smith's home for a couple of months at that point, their biological daughter had had some problems and Becky's problems stacked on top of those were wearing the family thin. I tried to help stabilize the situation and support them but by the time Becky came to spent New Years weekend with me, she knew the game was up and started begging me to let her live with me. I put her off saying that I still hoped that things with the Smiths could be repaired but only two months later, the Smiths filed paperwork to dissolve their guardianship of Becky. Since there still were no viable friends or family to take her, this meant that Becky would enter back into foster care again. In March 2012 Becky once again became a ward of the state - but this time she was truly an orphan.
And that brings us to present day. My co-workers and I were able to find a foster home within our agency to take Becky in. However, because of all of the loss and abandonment that she has experienced in these last few years Becky is unable and unwilling to develop a relationship with this new family and once again her placement situation is on the rocks. I have committed to her to spend at least one evening if not a whole Saturday every week with her, pouring into her, reminding her that I still love her and that I am still here. Our time with one another is generally great - she really is an amazing kid - as long as you can walk through the flames first! However, my Becky is so often depressed these days that she can no longer hide it under her bravado and wit. She often becomes sullen, even when we are spending time together, and has admitted to me that she has no hope for the future.
Becky explains to me that ever since 2009 her life has been "crap" and that she just doesn't see it getting any better. She reminds me that she has lost her home, her school, her friends, her only sister (who now lives out of state), her father has passed, the family that was supposed to be her "new" family has abandoned her and "kicked her out", she has no family left and therefore, she has precious little interest in knowing what the future holds. I guess I can't blame her. Since 2009 all the "future" has held was more heartache and loss - and it just doesn't seem to stop. And so when I say to her, "you know Becky, this too shall pass" I feel like a right old fraud. How can I stand there and convince her that things will get better when I'm feeling fresh out of hope as well?
But then I remember something. Becky is only 15yrs old and, for all intensive purposes, should have quite a few years ahead of her still. She is a bright girl - she definitely has a spirited streak - and despite all of the tragedy and turmoil, she still has a good heart. So why shouldn't I have hope? Just because I don't know where she will go next (I'm out of good options for placement) and no matter how much I pour into her these days it seems like it is never enough to lift her from her dark place - well that doesn't mean that today's reality is forever. I have seen enough and I still have faith enough to believe that eventually Becky and I will come out of this hell together. One day we will look back on this time that we have walked through and shake our heads in amazement that we ever survived.
You know, as a case manager and social worker, you aren't supposed to get too attached to your clients. And even though I'm passionate, I am usually pretty good at cutting things off when I need to. However, with Becky and her dad Stan it has been different. Maybe it was because they really had no one else. Maybe it was because I just liked them. I don't know why really. What I do know is that Becky is now family to me and as long as I draw breath I will try to be family to her. In a later post I will tell you the story of Stan and my friendship with him and maybe it will all make more sense. In the meantime I encourage you to remember this - no matter how dire, how desperate, how hopeless a situation seems - it will always pass. And with the dawn of a new day comes a promise for the potential for things to change for the better for the most deserving - these kids I am blessed to serve, these hearts with faces.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I'll Miss You Too Much
Jared* is 8yrs old. He and his four siblings (Charlie 12yrs, Annie 6yrs, Jacob 4yrs, Peter 6mo*) came into foster care about two and a half months ago. They came into care because their mom struggles with alcohol, there is a history of domestic violence and their apartment was so filthy that it made the news. Unfortunately there are not very many foster homes who can accept such a large sibling group so Jared and his siblings were spread out to two homes - Charlie, Jared and Annie in one and Jacob and Peter in the other. Initially Jared and his siblings, especially older brother Charlie, had a really hard time entering a home with structure and rules. Jared has shared with me several times that he and Charlie were always allowed to be out in the streets as late as they wished and that frequently their mom would send Jared to the store to buy food for the other children. At 8yrs old, Jared was used to being treated like a miniature adult so being treated like a child was a difficult leap for him. To date Jared's favorite question is still "but why?" and he loves to try to negotiate and argue with me when he doesn't like what I have to say.
Despite having a tough start in the foster home, the last few months have revealed a tangible change in Jared. He is slowly learning how to be a child. He is learning that it is okay to cry about things and admit when you are scared. He is learning that it is okay to let others take care of you and your siblings - that he can trust adults to do what adults should do for children. Some days you can almost see the layers of worry, mistrust, anger and fear melting off of his small shoulders. I credit 98% of this amazing change to his foster parents, especially his foster mother Joann*. Joann is a soft-spoken, reserved and sweet-natured woman - the kind that you just want to hug most of the time. And I have to admit - at first I was a little nervous that Joann wouldn't be up to the task of corralling kids like Jared and Charlie. Usually we would put kids like Jared and Charlie with a person who has a firm, no-nonsense, take-charge kind of attitude just so we'd know that the caregivers could keep these rambunctious and strong-willed kids in line. If she were to be honest, Joann would probably tell you she wasn't always sure she was up to the task either. However, to all of our surprise the match up is working - at least for Jared. There is something about Joann's slow and steady way that balances out Jared's wildly tilting one. And I think that somehow the immense amount of calm that exudes from Joann somehow functions like water to the blazing wildfire that often engulfs Jared. In Joann Jared has found a safe harbor. He's found what every little boy should find in his mother - a home base to return to when life - or he - gets out of control.
Jared and his siblings are fortunate because it looks like they will be placed with a relative in the near future. This is an answered prayer for them - being with family is the next best thing to being able to go back to you parents. When we were discussing the transition at our last family visitation however, Jared had an unexpected response. After initially being excited that I finally had an answer to his persistent "when will I go" Jared then became withdrawn and soon began to cry. He went over to where his foster mother Joann sat waiting for the visit to end and pulled himself up into a ball on the chair next to her. I went over to Jared and asked him what was going on, why he was so sad all of a sudden. He explained to me that he did want to go with his aunt but "only for maybe two months" and then he wanted to return back to his foster home. Joann asked him why he wanted this and he replied simply to her "because I'll miss you too much."
In the last 10 weeks of this 8yr old boy's life he has found himself a mother - a true mother - who cares for him and makes him feel safe. A mother who has been a perfect balance to his needs and who has done her best to make him feel special and loved. And even though it has been only 10 weeks, it has been 10 weeks of finally feeling safe, loved, supported and cared for. For Jared this is nothing short of a prayer come true. And he loves his Joann or as he calls her "Jo-Mama". Even though it is sad that Jared's time with his Jo-Mama is coming to a close, it is a great victory that he has been able to have this kind of experience with a caring adult. Hopefully this experience can continue on when he enters the care of his aunt and his aunt can receive a little boy who is no longer a little man. Jo-Mama did the heavy lifting for this aunt and patiently helped Jared heal - through the tantrums, tears, fights and stony stares - Joann endured and now Jared can re-enter "normal life" as a child who knows how to be a child and who is ready for his aunt to assume the role of mother and protector.
I have always had a great amount of respect for mothers. However, in doing what I do I have come to respect even more the women who are mothers to someone else's child. They are the gladiators of all warriors, the superheros among mighty protectors. To Joann and all of the foster mothers out there who are serving this band of hurt and needing children - I send you the biggest "Thank You" my heart can muster. You ladies are my everyday heroes and I hope that your strength inspires others to join you in this amazing service.
*names have been changed to protect the privacy of the children and foster parents
Despite having a tough start in the foster home, the last few months have revealed a tangible change in Jared. He is slowly learning how to be a child. He is learning that it is okay to cry about things and admit when you are scared. He is learning that it is okay to let others take care of you and your siblings - that he can trust adults to do what adults should do for children. Some days you can almost see the layers of worry, mistrust, anger and fear melting off of his small shoulders. I credit 98% of this amazing change to his foster parents, especially his foster mother Joann*. Joann is a soft-spoken, reserved and sweet-natured woman - the kind that you just want to hug most of the time. And I have to admit - at first I was a little nervous that Joann wouldn't be up to the task of corralling kids like Jared and Charlie. Usually we would put kids like Jared and Charlie with a person who has a firm, no-nonsense, take-charge kind of attitude just so we'd know that the caregivers could keep these rambunctious and strong-willed kids in line. If she were to be honest, Joann would probably tell you she wasn't always sure she was up to the task either. However, to all of our surprise the match up is working - at least for Jared. There is something about Joann's slow and steady way that balances out Jared's wildly tilting one. And I think that somehow the immense amount of calm that exudes from Joann somehow functions like water to the blazing wildfire that often engulfs Jared. In Joann Jared has found a safe harbor. He's found what every little boy should find in his mother - a home base to return to when life - or he - gets out of control.
Jared and his siblings are fortunate because it looks like they will be placed with a relative in the near future. This is an answered prayer for them - being with family is the next best thing to being able to go back to you parents. When we were discussing the transition at our last family visitation however, Jared had an unexpected response. After initially being excited that I finally had an answer to his persistent "when will I go" Jared then became withdrawn and soon began to cry. He went over to where his foster mother Joann sat waiting for the visit to end and pulled himself up into a ball on the chair next to her. I went over to Jared and asked him what was going on, why he was so sad all of a sudden. He explained to me that he did want to go with his aunt but "only for maybe two months" and then he wanted to return back to his foster home. Joann asked him why he wanted this and he replied simply to her "because I'll miss you too much."
In the last 10 weeks of this 8yr old boy's life he has found himself a mother - a true mother - who cares for him and makes him feel safe. A mother who has been a perfect balance to his needs and who has done her best to make him feel special and loved. And even though it has been only 10 weeks, it has been 10 weeks of finally feeling safe, loved, supported and cared for. For Jared this is nothing short of a prayer come true. And he loves his Joann or as he calls her "Jo-Mama". Even though it is sad that Jared's time with his Jo-Mama is coming to a close, it is a great victory that he has been able to have this kind of experience with a caring adult. Hopefully this experience can continue on when he enters the care of his aunt and his aunt can receive a little boy who is no longer a little man. Jo-Mama did the heavy lifting for this aunt and patiently helped Jared heal - through the tantrums, tears, fights and stony stares - Joann endured and now Jared can re-enter "normal life" as a child who knows how to be a child and who is ready for his aunt to assume the role of mother and protector.
I have always had a great amount of respect for mothers. However, in doing what I do I have come to respect even more the women who are mothers to someone else's child. They are the gladiators of all warriors, the superheros among mighty protectors. To Joann and all of the foster mothers out there who are serving this band of hurt and needing children - I send you the biggest "Thank You" my heart can muster. You ladies are my everyday heroes and I hope that your strength inspires others to join you in this amazing service.
*names have been changed to protect the privacy of the children and foster parents
Friday, May 11, 2012
Do for one, not everyone
I have been reflecting a lot on a message that pastor Andy Stanley shared at the beginning of the year called One, Not Everyone (definitely worth watching). He shared that it is often so easy for us to get overwhelmed by all of the needs that we see around us that we become frozen and overwhelmed and we just don't know where to start. Often in my line of work (helping foster kids and their families) it does become overwhelming when I look at the "big picture" at all of the barriers that stand between here and the kids being able to go home. Fortunately we have a process, a series of steps, that forces me to put one foot in front of the other to move into and through a case and systematically work through the problems. Without this process I would be lost. Sometimes even with this process I get lost among the heartache and chaos. I have to step back sometimes and re-focus on the next step and drown out the big picture because frankly - the big picture is distracting and overwhelming - like trying to untie a knot that has a thousand ends sticking out - how do you find the right one to pull?
When I first went to Ecuador I experienced a poverty that I had never seen before. Just walking the streets I was inundated with children - little children - begging for money and food. Right and left, not just on corners and back alleys but all around me: a thousand little brown hands waving in front of my face. And even now that I'm back in the States I still often feel like I have a million little hands being thrust out in front of me, wanting a piece, wanting just a little, wanting help - my help. Ever feel like that? Ever feel like every time you turn on the TV there are sad puppies staring at you to the tunes of Sarah McLachlan, children wading in ditches while Joan Collins talks about walking to the well 10 miles each day, not to mention all of the political action group commercials that "want your vote" - all that make you feel a little overwhelmed? I hear that.
It may seem that the problems that lead to the breakup of families and kids ending up in foster care and then the numerous problems that plague the foster care system are overwhelming. And they can be. But what I want to encourage you to do is, in the words of Andy Stanley: "Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone." It is not just a nice quip - I mean it. In fact, I firmly believe that if each one of us just did for the one - just one person, one family, one child - that the community that used to surround our families would blossom back to life and we could get kids out of foster care.
In my first post I shared that the statistics say that there are over 400,000 children in foster care in the US right now. How do you fix 400,000 hearts? Well, YOU can't. YOU can fix just one. But YOU and 399,000 of your closest friends - well hot dog, problem solved! Okay, just kidding on the last part. You don't have to have 399,000 friends but you get the idea. Andy shares that it is ridiculous to say that "I'm not going to do for no one what I can't do for everyone" - it makes no sense to help no one just because you can't help everyone. Especially because you don't know the impact that you could have for just the one - just your one might cause a ripple that you can't even foresee. But even if it doesn't have any ripple at all well, at least you helped the one.
Each year May is celebrated as National Foster Care Month. However, I'm pretty sure that the only people who know about it are already working with or are part of the foster care system. I'm also pretty sure that the whole idea of "national months" is to get the word out about your cause and I am not sure why that doesn't happen more often for foster care. But hey - now we have you! And maybe, just maybe, your "one" that you do is re-posting the link to this blog. Sure, you can't re-post the link to every blog you hear of but you can re-post this one! Help us get the word out. And not just the word that we need help - everyone knows orphans and foster kids need help. Rather that we need the kind of help that everyone can give which is to say, help in whatever way you feel called to do. Small helps stack up. Help us find some more people to stack up their "helps" along side yours. Do for the one that you wish you could do for everyone and you will make a difference, I guarantee it.
Stay tuned for the next installation which includes a great story - I'll Miss You Too Much - coming this weekend.
Until every face is seen and every story known...
When I first went to Ecuador I experienced a poverty that I had never seen before. Just walking the streets I was inundated with children - little children - begging for money and food. Right and left, not just on corners and back alleys but all around me: a thousand little brown hands waving in front of my face. And even now that I'm back in the States I still often feel like I have a million little hands being thrust out in front of me, wanting a piece, wanting just a little, wanting help - my help. Ever feel like that? Ever feel like every time you turn on the TV there are sad puppies staring at you to the tunes of Sarah McLachlan, children wading in ditches while Joan Collins talks about walking to the well 10 miles each day, not to mention all of the political action group commercials that "want your vote" - all that make you feel a little overwhelmed? I hear that.
It may seem that the problems that lead to the breakup of families and kids ending up in foster care and then the numerous problems that plague the foster care system are overwhelming. And they can be. But what I want to encourage you to do is, in the words of Andy Stanley: "Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone." It is not just a nice quip - I mean it. In fact, I firmly believe that if each one of us just did for the one - just one person, one family, one child - that the community that used to surround our families would blossom back to life and we could get kids out of foster care.
In my first post I shared that the statistics say that there are over 400,000 children in foster care in the US right now. How do you fix 400,000 hearts? Well, YOU can't. YOU can fix just one. But YOU and 399,000 of your closest friends - well hot dog, problem solved! Okay, just kidding on the last part. You don't have to have 399,000 friends but you get the idea. Andy shares that it is ridiculous to say that "I'm not going to do for no one what I can't do for everyone" - it makes no sense to help no one just because you can't help everyone. Especially because you don't know the impact that you could have for just the one - just your one might cause a ripple that you can't even foresee. But even if it doesn't have any ripple at all well, at least you helped the one.
Each year May is celebrated as National Foster Care Month. However, I'm pretty sure that the only people who know about it are already working with or are part of the foster care system. I'm also pretty sure that the whole idea of "national months" is to get the word out about your cause and I am not sure why that doesn't happen more often for foster care. But hey - now we have you! And maybe, just maybe, your "one" that you do is re-posting the link to this blog. Sure, you can't re-post the link to every blog you hear of but you can re-post this one! Help us get the word out. And not just the word that we need help - everyone knows orphans and foster kids need help. Rather that we need the kind of help that everyone can give which is to say, help in whatever way you feel called to do. Small helps stack up. Help us find some more people to stack up their "helps" along side yours. Do for the one that you wish you could do for everyone and you will make a difference, I guarantee it.
Stay tuned for the next installation which includes a great story - I'll Miss You Too Much - coming this weekend.
Until every face is seen and every story known...
Monday, May 7, 2012
Counter-Culture
The story I'm going to share with you this evening is not the type of story that I planned on sharing as my second post. I had planned on sharing a touching story about one of my kids that would hook folks in and build interest. However, as I sit here on this 7th evening of National Foster Care Month, it is on my heart to share you a different story.
I spent a large part of this evening supervising a visit between three of my kids and their birth mom "Kelly". I have been on this case for well over a year and during that time I have been frustrated time and again by Kelly's serious lack of effort/progress in completing her case plan. We're not talking a difficult task list - we're talking things like stable housing, stable employment (yep, $10/hr at Molly Maids would be fine), participate in a psychological evaluation and participate in 12 free parenting classes. And Kelly has done nothing - not even the free parenting classes. Meanwhile her kids have worked really hard and made tremendous progress. When they entered care two of the kids were significantly overweight - like 196lbs at 5ft tall and 11yrs old. And in the 4th grade one of them was barely reading on a 2nd grade level. But over the last year they have learned to eat healthy and be active, lost 40-60 pounds apiece and my now-5th grader is transitioning out of reading support. Not to mention the emotional issues that they have faced and grappled with. These amazing, beautiful, funny and caring children have worked so hard to change their course and meanwhile, Kelly has done nothing to prove to the court that she can care for them - that she wants to care for them.
"There, but by the grace of God, go I." - attributed to John Bradford
It is really easy to be angry at Kelly. To be frustrated. Disgusted. Self-righteous. Yep, I own that last one. And I can own that now but it is only because I have come to understand something. A little while ago Kelly finally shared with me a little bit about her own history. She was raised in an unstable situation, likely abused and definitely neglected, until her grandmother took her in and did the best she could to bring her up. And tonight, I got another glimpse into her world. Kelly is currently without a car so she had to catch a ride with her friend - we'll call her friend Joann. While Kelly was off ordering food for the kids (with borrowed money of course) Joann shared with me that she has been trying to help Kelly get on her feet. We chatted a bit and Joann admitted that Kelly was aware that, because of her lack of progress, that she was going to have her parental rights terminated*. Joann continued to share with me that she herself was unemployed, except for some babysitting, but that she was doing her best to take care of her kids. She also shared that she had another friend who's parental rights were terminated. The longer I spoke with Joann the more I realized that for her, and for Kelly, knowing people who have DFCS** cases or who have lost their children to termination is as common as one my friends knowing someone who studied abroad or took piano lessons as a child.
I spent a good bit of the visit considering Joann's words. Considering how, for her and Kelly, being caught up in the system is just another part of life. Before I go on please understand - I am not trying to make excuses for the choices that Kelly and others like her have made. However, I am starting to understand a little bit more exactly what it is that needs to be done with our birth parents - or for them. The cycle of poverty, neglect and harm doesn't just need to stop within the kids we serve but we must also radically change the lives of the birth families if we want to hope for any success. And let's be honest, while it's nice to talk about stable housing and free parenting classes - that's not exactly a radical intervention. What I am beginning to believe these birth parents need - or most of them anyway - is someone who will be dedicated to them, who will invest in them as much as our foster parents invest in the children, with the hope and faith that they can chose positive change. It is easy to have compassion on children - they are often helpless and usually blameless. It is much harder to have compassion on adults - especially if we perceive that they have perhaps "made their own bed." But it is necessary. And not just for the sake of the children. Also for the sake of these parents who often do not know any other life than the one they find themselves living - these parents who are also our neighbors, our brothers and sisters and who are - for better or worse - the people that these children I serve call Mommy and Daddy.
I think this post does indeed belong in the beginning. Mostly because I know that it will be easy as time goes on, as you hear the stories of the various foster children I am blessed to serve, to become angry with the adults that we perceive to have failed them. Sometimes this anger and outrage will be just. But other times we might want to remind ourselves - I have to all the time - that instead of anger that compassion might be a better response.
Many of you pray for our foster children and often their foster parents as well - and I thank you. But I would like to be so bold as to also ask that you pray for their birth families. That God gives them strength to either work hard to get their children back (and keep them) or the strength to realize that perhaps someone else is better suited to raise their sons and daughters. That God gives them the strength to say "yes" to the opportunity to make the necessary changes and that when they say "yes" that there are people there standing at the ready to step in and "foster" these parents as lovingly and with the same dedication that our foster parents foster their children.
Thank you to all who have been supportive thus far, I look forward to continuing to share with you.
Until every face is known...
*Termination of parental rights: the juvenile court system reserves the right to terminate the parental rights of birth parents who are deemed to be unfit to care for their children. This is the most severe outcome possible in the juvenile court system - likened to the "death penalty" of juvenile court. If rights are terminated the birth parent loses all legal right to their child. If their child is adopted a new birth certificate is generated and the way it reads it appears that the adoptive parents are indeed the birth parents - the birth parents names are erased completely. The children have no implicit right to inherit from their birth parent nor exercise any familial right. They are also no longer legally related to any of their extended birth family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. The only tie that is retained is that between siblings.
**DFCS: Department of Family and Children Services - the name of the government agency in the state of Georgia that is responsible for the welfare of children and adolescents. Often pronounced "dee-fax". Sometimes written as "DFACS".
I spent a large part of this evening supervising a visit between three of my kids and their birth mom "Kelly". I have been on this case for well over a year and during that time I have been frustrated time and again by Kelly's serious lack of effort/progress in completing her case plan. We're not talking a difficult task list - we're talking things like stable housing, stable employment (yep, $10/hr at Molly Maids would be fine), participate in a psychological evaluation and participate in 12 free parenting classes. And Kelly has done nothing - not even the free parenting classes. Meanwhile her kids have worked really hard and made tremendous progress. When they entered care two of the kids were significantly overweight - like 196lbs at 5ft tall and 11yrs old. And in the 4th grade one of them was barely reading on a 2nd grade level. But over the last year they have learned to eat healthy and be active, lost 40-60 pounds apiece and my now-5th grader is transitioning out of reading support. Not to mention the emotional issues that they have faced and grappled with. These amazing, beautiful, funny and caring children have worked so hard to change their course and meanwhile, Kelly has done nothing to prove to the court that she can care for them - that she wants to care for them.
"There, but by the grace of God, go I." - attributed to John Bradford
It is really easy to be angry at Kelly. To be frustrated. Disgusted. Self-righteous. Yep, I own that last one. And I can own that now but it is only because I have come to understand something. A little while ago Kelly finally shared with me a little bit about her own history. She was raised in an unstable situation, likely abused and definitely neglected, until her grandmother took her in and did the best she could to bring her up. And tonight, I got another glimpse into her world. Kelly is currently without a car so she had to catch a ride with her friend - we'll call her friend Joann. While Kelly was off ordering food for the kids (with borrowed money of course) Joann shared with me that she has been trying to help Kelly get on her feet. We chatted a bit and Joann admitted that Kelly was aware that, because of her lack of progress, that she was going to have her parental rights terminated*. Joann continued to share with me that she herself was unemployed, except for some babysitting, but that she was doing her best to take care of her kids. She also shared that she had another friend who's parental rights were terminated. The longer I spoke with Joann the more I realized that for her, and for Kelly, knowing people who have DFCS** cases or who have lost their children to termination is as common as one my friends knowing someone who studied abroad or took piano lessons as a child.
I spent a good bit of the visit considering Joann's words. Considering how, for her and Kelly, being caught up in the system is just another part of life. Before I go on please understand - I am not trying to make excuses for the choices that Kelly and others like her have made. However, I am starting to understand a little bit more exactly what it is that needs to be done with our birth parents - or for them. The cycle of poverty, neglect and harm doesn't just need to stop within the kids we serve but we must also radically change the lives of the birth families if we want to hope for any success. And let's be honest, while it's nice to talk about stable housing and free parenting classes - that's not exactly a radical intervention. What I am beginning to believe these birth parents need - or most of them anyway - is someone who will be dedicated to them, who will invest in them as much as our foster parents invest in the children, with the hope and faith that they can chose positive change. It is easy to have compassion on children - they are often helpless and usually blameless. It is much harder to have compassion on adults - especially if we perceive that they have perhaps "made their own bed." But it is necessary. And not just for the sake of the children. Also for the sake of these parents who often do not know any other life than the one they find themselves living - these parents who are also our neighbors, our brothers and sisters and who are - for better or worse - the people that these children I serve call Mommy and Daddy.
I think this post does indeed belong in the beginning. Mostly because I know that it will be easy as time goes on, as you hear the stories of the various foster children I am blessed to serve, to become angry with the adults that we perceive to have failed them. Sometimes this anger and outrage will be just. But other times we might want to remind ourselves - I have to all the time - that instead of anger that compassion might be a better response.
Many of you pray for our foster children and often their foster parents as well - and I thank you. But I would like to be so bold as to also ask that you pray for their birth families. That God gives them strength to either work hard to get their children back (and keep them) or the strength to realize that perhaps someone else is better suited to raise their sons and daughters. That God gives them the strength to say "yes" to the opportunity to make the necessary changes and that when they say "yes" that there are people there standing at the ready to step in and "foster" these parents as lovingly and with the same dedication that our foster parents foster their children.
Thank you to all who have been supportive thus far, I look forward to continuing to share with you.
Until every face is known...
*Termination of parental rights: the juvenile court system reserves the right to terminate the parental rights of birth parents who are deemed to be unfit to care for their children. This is the most severe outcome possible in the juvenile court system - likened to the "death penalty" of juvenile court. If rights are terminated the birth parent loses all legal right to their child. If their child is adopted a new birth certificate is generated and the way it reads it appears that the adoptive parents are indeed the birth parents - the birth parents names are erased completely. The children have no implicit right to inherit from their birth parent nor exercise any familial right. They are also no longer legally related to any of their extended birth family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. The only tie that is retained is that between siblings.
**DFCS: Department of Family and Children Services - the name of the government agency in the state of Georgia that is responsible for the welfare of children and adolescents. Often pronounced "dee-fax". Sometimes written as "DFACS".
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Proverbs 24:12
"Because you said, “We didn’t know about it”? Surely, the Searcher of hearts knows
and will repay all according to their deeds." - Proverbs 24:12
For many people, the idea of a foster child brings up images of Oliver Twist and quips of "please sir, could I have some more?" Many, in fact, have never met a foster child - or if they did, they didn't know it. The AFCARS (Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System) estimated that in 2010 there were 408,425 children in foster care in the US. The US Census estimated that there were a total of 74.2 million children living in the US in that same year. Averaged out that means that every 1 in 180 children living in the US were in foster care in 2010. 1 in 180 seems like a pretty big pool but when you think about it, on average, there are roughly 500 students enrolled in your average elementary school. That means that it is likely that there are at least 2 foster children enrolled in your child's elementary school. Or, if you know a kid playing football for the local high school, it is likely that at least two of his opponents or even teammates are foster children.
There are some famous folks who are known to have been foster children - like Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's fast-food chain. But there are many more actors, leaders, performers, musicians and pro athletes who were also once a foster child. Folks like Eddie Murphy, Daunte Culpepper, Tom Monaghan (founder, Dominos Pizza), Marilyn Monroe, Eriq LaSalle, Alonzo Mourning and Babe Ruth spent at least some part of their lives in state-run foster care. Others like James Dean, Willie Nelson, Eleanor Roosevelt and John Lennon were raised, at least in part, by relatives.
The reality is that there are many children - not in the world but in our own backyard - whose lives have been put on "pause." Children who have been mistreated, neglected, abused and now have been taken out of their familiar environment and placed with strangers. When your life has been not just turned up side down but also given a good shake you naturally develop "issues." School is hard for you, you sometimes struggle to connect with your peers, you worry a lot and you sometimes have a hard time managing your emotions. And even if you are blessed to have a couple of loving, patient and kind foster parents your needs often extend past what even the most saint-like can provide. Not to mention the needs that your birth family probably has - especially if they are working to try to get you back. These children - and their birth parents - need the prayers and support of their entire community in order to be successful at healing and moving forward.
Who then, is their community. Us. You and me. Your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends and your pastor. We are all in part responsible for healing these children and families. Why? Because if no one had helped Babe Ruth, Eddie Murphy or Eleanor Roosevelt imagine how different our world would be right now. And because it is our Christian mandate - we are indeed our brother's keeper. The big, cold and sterile State cannot heal these children and families. Only the compassion, sacrifice, love and attention of a million hands reaching out from homes across your neighborhood, your town, your country can heal them.
With foster children and their families there is really only a small window of time wherein helping hands can make a difference - the difference between a family put back together and a child sentenced to a life of repeating the violent cycle of his parents. Every day I see those small windows start to creep closed and I am often powerless to stop it. The time to act is now - before the sound of opportunity lost echos again.
Ten minutes ago you could say you didn't know. Now however, you do. And so I say again:
"Because you said, “We didn’t know about it”? Surely, the Searcher of hearts knows and will repay all according to their deeds." - Proverbs 24:12
May is National Foster Care Month - will you help me celebrate by standing with me, as a community ready to serve? If you join me you will begin to know the little hearts that I serve every day and you will have faces to go with the term "foster children." They will become hearts with faces.
**Please stay tuned - I am looking forward to helping you all get to know the children and families I serve, one story at a time.**
For many people, the idea of a foster child brings up images of Oliver Twist and quips of "please sir, could I have some more?" Many, in fact, have never met a foster child - or if they did, they didn't know it. The AFCARS (Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System) estimated that in 2010 there were 408,425 children in foster care in the US. The US Census estimated that there were a total of 74.2 million children living in the US in that same year. Averaged out that means that every 1 in 180 children living in the US were in foster care in 2010. 1 in 180 seems like a pretty big pool but when you think about it, on average, there are roughly 500 students enrolled in your average elementary school. That means that it is likely that there are at least 2 foster children enrolled in your child's elementary school. Or, if you know a kid playing football for the local high school, it is likely that at least two of his opponents or even teammates are foster children.
There are some famous folks who are known to have been foster children - like Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's fast-food chain. But there are many more actors, leaders, performers, musicians and pro athletes who were also once a foster child. Folks like Eddie Murphy, Daunte Culpepper, Tom Monaghan (founder, Dominos Pizza), Marilyn Monroe, Eriq LaSalle, Alonzo Mourning and Babe Ruth spent at least some part of their lives in state-run foster care. Others like James Dean, Willie Nelson, Eleanor Roosevelt and John Lennon were raised, at least in part, by relatives.
The reality is that there are many children - not in the world but in our own backyard - whose lives have been put on "pause." Children who have been mistreated, neglected, abused and now have been taken out of their familiar environment and placed with strangers. When your life has been not just turned up side down but also given a good shake you naturally develop "issues." School is hard for you, you sometimes struggle to connect with your peers, you worry a lot and you sometimes have a hard time managing your emotions. And even if you are blessed to have a couple of loving, patient and kind foster parents your needs often extend past what even the most saint-like can provide. Not to mention the needs that your birth family probably has - especially if they are working to try to get you back. These children - and their birth parents - need the prayers and support of their entire community in order to be successful at healing and moving forward.
Who then, is their community. Us. You and me. Your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends and your pastor. We are all in part responsible for healing these children and families. Why? Because if no one had helped Babe Ruth, Eddie Murphy or Eleanor Roosevelt imagine how different our world would be right now. And because it is our Christian mandate - we are indeed our brother's keeper. The big, cold and sterile State cannot heal these children and families. Only the compassion, sacrifice, love and attention of a million hands reaching out from homes across your neighborhood, your town, your country can heal them.
With foster children and their families there is really only a small window of time wherein helping hands can make a difference - the difference between a family put back together and a child sentenced to a life of repeating the violent cycle of his parents. Every day I see those small windows start to creep closed and I am often powerless to stop it. The time to act is now - before the sound of opportunity lost echos again.
Ten minutes ago you could say you didn't know. Now however, you do. And so I say again:
"Because you said, “We didn’t know about it”? Surely, the Searcher of hearts knows and will repay all according to their deeds." - Proverbs 24:12
May is National Foster Care Month - will you help me celebrate by standing with me, as a community ready to serve? If you join me you will begin to know the little hearts that I serve every day and you will have faces to go with the term "foster children." They will become hearts with faces.
**Please stay tuned - I am looking forward to helping you all get to know the children and families I serve, one story at a time.**
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